Waiting for it

Sometimes life feels like an infinite loop of that scene from Braveheart with Mel Gibson screaming “Hooooooold” as the armed horses are heading right for you. (Which is 20 years old now. You are old!)

It’s been that sort of a month.

Ever since Becky got her new job and I got my promotion, we’ve been waiting to celebrate. You think having a steady paycheck will help, but really it gets us back to covering our asses. Luckily May is a 3 paycheck month the way Fridays land. But then both cars needed attention (I swear they KNOW) and sucked up 900 bucks in 2 days.

Then with Becky’s mom still in physical therapy recovery, it feels wrong to celebrate anything. We also are waiting for the magic 90 day number at her new job. (Which to her great worry, lands on when I’ll be out of state for a work conference.) This 90 day waiting has caused stress, I have to say. This job is the healthy relationship after years of abusive ones. So proud of her for fighting her demons and loving this job.

Yet, everything feels temporary.

cookie guy

Becky’s energy during unemployment was super low. She was able to send out resumes and gather the energy for interviews, but then would be out for the count. We figured once she started, that would go away. Stress of unemployment is super draining.

But it didn’t go away. Soon Becky’s getting checked for sleep disorders and finds out she stops breathing 22+ times an hour every night and was diagnosed with REM sleep deprivation. We were confused by this because Becky dreams, but she always remembers her dreams.The awesome sleep therapist with an awesome Russian accent told us that the body will dream, it will force dreams even when we aren’t ready for them, because it needs dreams to survive. It’s just that the dreams aren’t fully doing their job unless you are in full REM mode. He looked at her and just knew that she wasn’t OK. Becky found this to be very creepy yet comforting.

She had to find this diagnosis out at an overnight test, which was the first time we’ve slept apart since about a year before we got married.

The whole process of sleep testing takes place over the course of a month or two. Considering how much press we give detainees who are sleep deprived, you’d think there’d be more “unrest” directed at sleep centers who take a month to get you in for a study, then another 2 weeks for anyone to bother looking at the study, then 4 days for them to bother telling you what they saw. All while fighting exhaustion.

After two nights with a machine to help sleep, it’s still exhaustion city around here. I guess it takes more time to get used to it and see benefits. More time. More waiting. If you haven’t heard this song, it may wreck you like it did me the first time I heard it recently. She’s still getting used to the mask and I’m so frickin proud of her for fighting the claustrophobia and the feeling of having an octopus on her face in order to fight this and get better. We haven’t gone a whole night without her ripping off the mask, but she’ll get there. She’s awesome.

Still, the waiting.

In the meantime, we also have some mini-celebrating going on. We have a Sox game and a Kyle Kinane stand up show on Memorial Day. Then work and another Sox game Tuesday. Hopefully we get enough rest before hand to help.

We’re also saving up to move after our current lease is up. Somewhere that the management gives a shit when someone dies in the community pool or whenever a concern is raised. So more waiting – waiting to get to our new apartment, waiting to feel settled into the new job, waiting to pay off the car so we can start paying off another card, waiting to not be so tired when we get home that we can work out and take better care of ourselves, waiting to just feel like things are progressing rather than in a holding pattern.

It’s all good for people who want to say to remember to enjoy life. But its hard to do so when every time you turn around you owe someone else money you don’t have – like MN unemployment deciding we owe them 600 because they messed up their own rules and we had no clue and still don’t have a clue what they did.

So now we’re waiting to see how that one shakes out too.


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1 thought on “Waiting for it

  1. My sleep doctor told me that people only remember their dreams if their sleep is interrupted by waking up during the dream. If this is true, the fact that she always remembers her dreams is just further evidence that the Borg sleep machine is a necessary assimilation.

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